Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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