i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize