My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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