I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
