Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
