you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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