fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
