I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize