This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
