I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
