I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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