He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
MIDGETS
????
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
