I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize