Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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