1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
