I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
