Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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