one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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