I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
