im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
