Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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