Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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