im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
