Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
