Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
