Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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