so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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