i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
