he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
