Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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