your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
