we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
