if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
