I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
