it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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