I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize