i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
