I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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