dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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