I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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