hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
