now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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