Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
