I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
