fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize