i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
