Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
