please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
this hospital has no fireball
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
