before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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