I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
