I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
