i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
