i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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