I want to stick my p in your. b.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize