Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
