Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
