It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
