just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
