i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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