your parents love me but you hate me
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
