I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
