Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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