morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize