I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
