I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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