I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
