There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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