The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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