I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
