remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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