my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
